Big T, little t, what begins with T?

Six tired Invictus writers nearing the end of the semester. Actually, I think Dr. Seuss says it’s ten tired turtles on a tuttle-tuttle tree, whatever the hell a tuttle tree is.

T stands for truth. Brad’s always telling us there’s a difference between Truth with a big T, and truth with a little t. I’m still not entirely sure what that means.

It’s interesting to understand the difference of how you view yourself compared to how the people around you see you. The Truth is that I am afraid to know myself because I’m not really sure who that person is. I have a vague idea of who she might be, but I’ve been isolated so long with this warped image of myself that I can no longer recognize the moment when I switch from being myself, to embodying people from my life.

I can literally pick out characteristics I’ve adopted from others. My sarcasm came from my dad. My mental capacity for random facts came from my mom. Sometimes around boys I’ll stick out my hips; that’s my best friend from high school. When I say “I don’t do relationships,” I can hear the same words echoed by the first guy I ever dated. The reason why I’m so surprised when people tell me I’m a cool person or they like me is because in my head, the person I am is just a manifestation of these other people.

The funny thing about truth is that it’s relative. To someone, I may be all of these things. To another, I may be none. But I’m finding that I’m okay with that. I still may be trying to find out who I actually am, but we’re all at that stage in our lives. In fact I’m not sure if that stage ever ends. That makes me feel significantly less alone.

This is the idea behind my Invicuts story. It’s taken me this long, but I finally was able to connect the dots. I have to sincerely thank my writing group for pushing me towards that. But that’s always been me. I’ve always been a late bloomer, finding things out in my own time. The Truth of the matter is that I’m finally starting to find myself, and I think I like her. I’ll keep her around a while.