It’s Always Darkest Before the Dawn.
When I walked into this class, I was swarmed with others thoughts and opinions of what this journey would be like. The one reoccurring theme seemed to be that I’d love this class and I’d hate this class. I loved the idea, I loved that this class would push me to my emotional limits and to tell some great story from my life that people could connect to and find meaning in. I embraced the fact that this day would come, as scary as I knew it would be.
Over the past five weeks the feeling has come and gone in phases. I loved writing my piece for Invictus. But I always had such a hard time finding the time to dig into my story, to sit with it and find the words, the right words, to help me tell it. That was the part of the writing process I was used to with so many of my magazine/journalism classes. I loved the work I was doing but hated the how time consuming the process was trying to get from point A to point B.
I had fooled myself into thinking I was dealing with the hard part; that I was handling it and making progress. I thought the “hate” and the “hard” had already come and I was so wrong.
Today as we shared our progress in class and the things that have been happening in our daily lives it hit me that you can’t ignore life. I feel we all, as human beings, try so hard to go through the motions. We think that if we go through the motions, if we can check things off our “to-do” lists and can keep moving forward, than we’re succeeding. Then everything in life will be fine. I realized today that in doing so we’ve all managed to convince ourselves in someway that life is fine. In passing you’re asked “hey, how are you?” and no matter what life has thrown you, the expected response is “good”; something vague and easy to process.
That’s how we want life to be.
And without realizing it, we fight each and every day to just keep moving forward. That’s all I want to do right now. To be fine and just keep going.
Usually my classes allow me to find that escape. I can focus my energy and time on completing things, on getting my work done. But somewhere in the process of my “work” for this class I’ve realized the point of this class, for me, is preventing me from running from everything I’ve been pushing off and holding back for so long. In the past five weeks I’ve been forced to stop, to sit and ruminate. The irony of my first post (Eminent) was that I knew this was going to happen. I thought I was subjecting myself to the experience but I’ve been doing so on my own terms. I’ve been controlling what I allow myself to feel, and when, and for how long and then I’d gather my things and move on to the next part of my day. I thought I was dealing with it but was really just running away.
You can run, but eventually and unexpectedly everything comes back to the surface.
Life has a way of catching up with you.