There Is Hope

I joined Invictus Vol II as a last chance. I tried to be involved with student media on campus but never felt that it was the right fit. I mentioned this to my friend Kyle Hovanec last spring and he suggested I join the group. I had already had Brad for a few classes and knew he would kick this hippie into gear, something I desperately needed.

Little did I know what exactly I would learn. In the very first meeting Brad pried out of me a story I didn’t want anyone to know, that I had been dealing with depression and intense anger for almost a year. I brought this on myself, of course, by telling a guy friend that I had feelings for him and after a month of prayer he relayed that those feelings weren’t reciprocated.

The group was really pushing for me to tell this story but deep inside of me there was a battle rising. One minute I desired to tell the story and the next minute I didn’t. The battle continued for about a month before I had to ask for Nathan’s advice.

Nathan is my dearest friend and writing comrade. He is ridiculously trustworthy, honest and thoughtful. Thus, I take his advice very seriously. I told him about the agony going on inside of me with the story. He listened patiently and when I was done he said, “I wouldn’t write it. It doesn’t seem like the right time for you to right it”.

Nathan knew I was tormenting myself and that I wanted to write the story that everyone else wanted me to write. Right then, I knew I had to scrap everything I had worked on.

This was the biggest moment for me so far, figuring out how to write what I actually needed to write. It’s not about me writing what I think is the most interesting story. It’s about what needs to be written. This can be difficult to figure out but you just have to go with your gut. Sometimes you have to scrap every single thing you’ve written for the past two months but that’s okay. It’s about the journey and pushing yourself to get back to that keyboard and start writing again.

For the first time I can say that I’m being brave in my writing. That doesn’t make it easy though. It’s tough to open up. Some of the things that I went through are downright embarrassing. It’s tough to share my thoughts and actions with people I don’t know. In some ways though, that’s what my motivation is.

After all, that’s what writing is about. It’s about starting somewhere. It’s baring what’s real and honest. It’s about sharing those difficult moments that others can relate to.

Speaking of relate… I found this video about two weeks ago and can totally relate to this kid, my biggest motivation so far for the story I’m now writing. I want to write this story for him and all of those who continue to be in a similar situation. You are not alone. There is hope.