I’ve been working on my Invictus story since around March. The outline has changed, but the general idea has been there since. So why did it take me six months to realize that the story is much more than just my obsession with weight and trying to starve myself? I blame tunnel vision.
Apparently I’ve had my tunnel vision goggles on since the beginning. Whenever I think about this time in my life, I remember how I was so fixated on wanting to be thin and how that ruled my life during high school. In some ways, it still does, but at least I am in control of it.
So why did I recently realize I’m seeing my story through tunnel vision?
As I’ve written more and discussed the story with the other people involved and heard their side of it, I’ve realized the eating thing wasn’t such a big part. It felt big to me because I was experiencing it everyday. It was a constant struggle and for years I’ve been focused on that aspect of it. It has taken writing about it to step back and realize there was this whole other part of my story that I’ve often failed to mention, think about, or really realize.
If I weren’t depressed, I wouldn’t have hurt myself. If I weren’t depressed, I wouldn’t have tried to starve myself. If I weren’t depressed, I wouldn’t have hated myself. It all ties back into that, but I was so fixated on the daily struggle of eating very little and regulating what I ate, I failed to realize it.
I was depressed.
The depression snuck inside me like cancer. Luckily, it wasn’t too late for me. I didn’t take my starvation or hurt to the very extreme. I’ve never asked for help for depression or been given medication for it. I just deal with it at the times I have had to or try to bury it as deep as I can and not deal with it at all.
Whenever I think about those years in high school and what I did and how I felt, I always attributed it to desire to be thinner.
It took being a part of Invictus to realize I had tunnel vision for several years and my real struggle was my depression that I didn’t understand, which was the root of my problems I was having.
It’s about time the tunnel vision goggles came off.